Isaac's report for Kaylon
by omelettethemusical
Summary: After completing his first tour of duty on the Orville, Isaac wrote his report and sent it to the Kaylon authorities. This is that report.


For the past Earth-year, I have served as science officer and as a representative of Kaylon aboard the Union ship Orville. The following is a report on my observations concerning "humanoid" (as humans like to call them) biological organisms.

Humor

Humans and Xelayans, though not Moclans, appear to have a sense of humor. This concept still remains beyond my comprehension. One night while I was recharging, our helmsman Lt. Gordon Malloy inserted small plastic objects into my ports. I later learned that these were called "Mr. Potato Head pieces." I do not know what a Mr. Potato Head is, but my sensors did not classify the pieces as a threat. Lt. Malloy then told me that he had "got me" and that I needed to "get him" when he least expected it.

Following the lieutenant's instructions, I snuck into his quarters while he was asleep, sedated him, and amputated his right leg. I then hid the leg aboard the ship. After Lt. Malloy awoke, he hopped onto the bridge and screamed angrily at me. When I imitated a laugh and explained to him that I had "got him", he called me a psychopath and told me that there was something seriously wrong with me. The captain and commander also told me that my "prank" was not amusing. Dr. Finn was able to regenerate the lieutenant's leg in a matter of hours, so I fail to see what exactly was "wrong" with my behavior.

Inter-Species Relations

Human males seem to be intimidated by the strength of Xelayan females. For example, the Orville's Xelayan chief of security, Lt. Alara Kitan, complained to us that she could not maintain a romantic relationship with a human male for this reason. Because I was the only officer on board whose strength matched hers, I offered to attempt sexual relations with her. She declined, responding that she was "working on herself right now". I was not entirely sure what she meant by this, but I assume that she intended to prepare herself for sexual relations with me with a strict exercise regimen. I have yet to hear back from her about this.

I have also discovered that the first officer, Commander Kelly Grayson, sought pleasure in the arms of a Retepsian because the captain, who was then her mate, was unable to satisfy her. When I inquired into the details, the captain refused to give me further information.

Familial Dynamics

In an effort to observe familial dynamics, I accompanied Dr. Finn and her sons Marcus and Ty on their vacation. Dr. Finn informed me that she had no counterpart and that she always wanted offspring but never found a man with whom she wanted to have them. When her children were being disruptive, she seemed open to the idea of deleting them, as we do with malfunctioning programs. I offered to vaporize them, but she hastily assured me that she was kidding.

Due to an argument between the children over a video game, our shuttle crashed and landed on a moon with an Earth-like atmosphere. Dr. Finn was separated from us, and I informed her sons that she had most likely been killed in the crash. Upon hearing this, they became very distressed. I found this hard to reconcile with their behavior towards her only minutes earlier.

I attempted to keep the boys safe and calm until aid arrived. Reciting a story to them in their mother's voice seemed to help a great deal. After we were rescued and brought back on board the Orville, I confessed to Dr. Finn that despite her sons' frailty, stupidity and overall uselessness, I had grown rather fond of them. She appeared to comprehend.

Animals

Humans and Xelayans appear to crave the companionship of less evolved life forms. For example, Lt. Malloy expressed a desire for a "bridge cat". Lt. Kitan informed me that a cat is a Earth pet. When I inquired as to the purpose of such a creature on the bridge, I was told that humanoids bond with cats by stroking them. I then proceeded to stroke Lt. Malloy's arm. When he stared up at me in confusion, I asked him whether we were bonding. He did not reply.

Religion

While visiting a planet with a multi-phasic orbit, Commander Grayson healed a minor injury on a humanoid girl in a Bronze Age-level civilization. Unbeknownst to her, this incident was witnessed by locals. After the planet phased back into our universe 11 minutes later, 700 years had passed and a religion had developed around Commander Grayson, known there only as Kelly. The captain and commander went back down to the planet to try to persuade the inhabitants that she was not divine; however, their efforts failed. After another 11 minutes, the planet had progressed to the point of early 21st-century Earth. Though faith in Kelly was not as ubiquitous as it had been, it was still very prominent. Because I was the only crew member who would still be alive after 700 years, I offered to remain on the planet during its next multi-phasic orbit and undo the damage Commander Grayson had done.

My experiences on that planet could fill several reports, but that is not the purpose of this one. The next time the planet entered multi-phasic orbit, it had reached the space age and I was transported back aboard the Orville. While my presence contributed to the decline of Kelly-worship, it was by no means the most important factor. For the most part, people simply found more rational explanations for phenomena that had always eluded them.

Captain Mercer and Commander Grayson later informed me that Earth used to have similar belief systems. The most popular, known as Christianity, was centered around a man known as Jesus Christ who lived in the desert region of Palestine 2400 years ago. His most remarkable feat was allegedly rising from the dead. While the captain and commander had always believed Jesus Christ to be a myth, they are now considering the possibility that he was in fact like them, a member of an alien civilization with technology that we cannot yet comprehend.

Conclusion

While I still believe Kaylons to be superior to organic life forms, I am not as firm in that belief as I was before I began this assignment. For example, we encountered the Calivons, a species that regards itself as superior to all species besides our own. They imprisoned our captain and commander in a "zoo" for their own amusement. If this is the kind of behavior that results from notions of superiority, I cannot approve of such notions. I encourage relations between Kaylon and the Union which remain on equal footing. I also hope to continue to serve aboard the Orville for as long as possible.


End file.
